Horrors of Psychological Manipulation at work; Gaslighting, Toxic Behavior and Shattered Self Worth
As generously featured on HONOR CODE CREATIVE
My chest felt empty, hollow and grey. My steps were unsteady. I remember a lightheadedness and the distinct feeling that everything was not ok. My limbs felt weightless, bloodless. The back of my head was tingly, every hair on it seemed to be standing at individual attention. I was in my own house. I wasn’t in danger. It was sunny and beautiful outside, I’d planned to take our daughter to the park to get some fresh air. I looked fine. But there was no way that I could drive a car and care for my child, I had suddenly become stricken with terror.
I didn’t start having panic attacks until after the abuse had stopped. I’d left. I’d left the work I’d loved because I’d become a shell of the person I once was. How strange that the panic came after. I’d been on constant alert for verbal attack, non-verbal cutting dismissal, and pernicious, endless questions for 18 months. I’d left not because I finally had any great epiphany or surge of self confidence, I left because my husband finally said to me quietly and firmly, “You have to pick a day, and it has to be your last. We don’t recognize you anymore.”
And I cried. I didn’t want to quit.
First, it wasn’t me
When I saw the first woman bullied by the most senior woman in leadership, I was outraged and stunned. How could this behavior possibly be condoned? Wasn’t someone going to stand up to her? I wish that I had had the strength and wherewithal to challenge the situation right away and say out loud (and not just in my head a million times) “What. The. fuck. is going on here?”
With a lot of time, therapy, medication, a stint at the notorious Butler Hospital (two professionals in a span of two weeks recommended I check myself in), training in Co-Active Coaching, training in Mental Fitness, a lot of reading, speaking to others and listening; now I believe I would have that conversation. Now that I understand that I’d been psychologically manipulated and that my initial instincts were spot on, I could have the conversation I’ve dreamt of having.
My wish now is to travel back in time to that moment. As soon as I’d seen my friend humiliated in front of the rest of the senior team, I’d ask for a meeting with the COO, CEO, Head of HR and the owners of the company. I want to ask them, did they really think this was a good way to manage people? Was there really no consideration for employee well being or self worth? Or at the very least, for retention? But then? I was just back to work.
I stayed. She stayed. Why?
I’d been searching for a job for 1.5 years and had been out of the workforce for 3. I had spent time at home when I had our daughter. So, I was still questioning myself, did I know enough about what I was hired to do? Had I kept up with industry changes? Did I understand the new retail competitive landscape? Three years seemed like a lifetime. And, I felt like I needed the paycheck. I felt like staying was my only option. I would end up trading my self worth, my value, my ability to parent well, my confidence in my leadership abilities, time with my husband, time with my friends and ultimately the stability of my mental health for that feeling. That feeling that there was no other option than to stay.
So, instead of speaking up, I worked hard. And then I worked harder. And then harder and harder still. I watched another woman friend get stripped of her title and demoted in place. After 10 years in the company her salary was cut, her self esteem trashed. And then another woman friend. Promoted, and then told she was the problem; “work smarter not harder.”God, those words make me cringe.
Back to the first woman I’d seen bullied, she kept showing up every day. She smiled at everyone, had a positive attitude and was a joy to work with. When one of the Board Members yelled at her in the middle of a product line review, cutting her down for her “failures,” in front of approximately fifty of us, I thought: “This is it. Now she is out of here for sure.”
Why did she stay? Couldn’t she see that these people were abusing her?
I talked to her after work and told her, “I love working with you, you are a fantastic partner, I will miss you terribly, but you have to leave.”
“I can’t quit,” was her response.
“It’s about sanity! It’s about self respect! You look like a skeleton, they are literally killing you” I pleaded.
“Yeah, I can’t keep any food down anymore. But, I. Just. Can’t. Quit.”
I did not understand and I promised myself, “When this nightmare is my turn, I am so out of here.”
And then it was my turn.
Psychology Today defines psychological manipulation “the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victim’s expense. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda.”
My turn began with the bullying woman talking about me to other people, in front of people who worked for me. “Forget about Kamrin,” she’d said to my peer. Someone who worked for me was in the room and texted me that the conversation was taking place.
It hurt. It discounted my work. It made me question my worth. It made my sense of self feel threatened.
In meetings she would roll her eyes at my comments. When she passed me in the hall she would ignore me. I was running a division of the business and she constantly challenged me in front of others. I spoke to the COO about how awful it was to work with someone who made it extremely clear that she didn’t like me. He had nothing to say to me. No words of encouragement. No, “she’s just busy, of course she likes you.” Just silence.
On the day that she relentlessly attacked me in front of my team. I asked if we could have the conversation in another room. She kept going. I asked again. She didn’t stop.
I almost quit that day. And I should have. I should have used that anger. But she had gotten under my skin. I had a visceral need to prove that I was worthy. That was the manipulation.
The start of the end
And then, she berated me for praising a new hire whom I had introduced to our Board. I was so thrilled to have an expert in the field working for us. I thanked them for the budget and told them I thought it was such a smart move.
I was completely caught off guard when this woman called me to her office and told me I had lionized our new hire. And that by doing so it was going to be hard for me to keep her under control now that she knew I thought so highly of her. I had never, in my 20 years of international management, never been told not to praise someone. The woman went on to tell me that I should manage everyone in such a way that they would always question themselves with this: “What more can I do to make my boss happy?”
She’d just shown her hand. The manipulation was cunning and purposeful. Manage people in a way that would let them know that no matter what they did, how hard they worked, how good they were, it would never be enough. It evokes an intense emotional response in most people. A visceral, mentally damaging response if they don’t realize that they are not the problem.
The start of a new beginning.
Psychological manipulators destroy you slowly and carefully.
Once described as positive and upbeat, toward the end I could barely answer the question, “How’s work?” without tearing up and stumbling over my words. How was work? “Work” was great, I loved the job. But I was being destroyed by someone running the company and her enablers. I didn’t have words to express my fragility, my fear, my shame, my humiliation, my insane and intense need to prove that I was enough.
Work for most people is a place where we want to contribute; to be seen, heard, taken seriously and rewarded. And yes, we want to learn, thrive and be promoted, too. I don’t think any of those sound particularly out of line.
But with horror stories like I’ve described above; many of us experience, or have experienced, the Sunday Scaries, the Sunday Night Blues, the pit in our stomach when the weekend winds to a close. I’m not a psychologist. I’m an Executive Leadership and Personal Development Coach and a mom, wife, daughter, business owner, friend and a previous corporate employee. I’m adding this because maybe you see yourself in me. And if you do, you are not alone.
From me to you: a bag of tricks
Here are some things in my bag of tricks that we can do to demystify toxic environments and not lose ourselves to soul-sucking bosses.
Trust your gut. Really. If it feels wrong. If you see someone being treated nastily by someone in power and it goes unchecked, something is up.
If you feel bullied or scared, talk to someone outside of the office. HR unfortunately, may be under the same duress. Find someone you trust and share what is going on. But then, really listen to their response. It is so much easier to see a situation for what it is when you are not in it. My mistake was that I talked, but I didn’t listen. Everyone else could see what was going on, but I was too caught up in it.
Create a positive community outside of work. This can be a network of friends you see regularly or a workout group or a class that you take or anything else you come up with. It should be something that you invest time into regularly that gives you energy, brings you joy and takes your mind off of work.
Practice moments of Mental Fitness during the day. Mental Fitness is a technique that gets you out of your head and back in touch with your body. It is a powerful tool to get you out of reaction mode and into creation mode. I use this for focus, getting over procrastination, facing fear and for understanding my triggers.
Gather and project: If you are afraid to speak up for fear of looking stupid, practice a trick my friend and communication coach, Daya Ottley taught me: Gather your thoughts, Arrange what you are going to say (3 points max), Speak dynamically. Not monotone. Not whispery quiet. Harder than it sounds, but super effective!
Get a coach: If your self esteem and self confidence has been trashed, I can’t stress enough the importance of investing in a personal coach. Every single elite athlete has a coach (or coaches), trainers, teams of people helping them and supporting them. It is OK to recognize that you need some space and help to rebuild. A good coach will help you reframe situations and help you reacquaint yourself with your special sauce.
p.s. If you are the boss in this scenario, or there’s someone on a team you manage who deep down you know is toxic, don’t ignore it. The huge, contagious distraction and impact on bottom line is reason enough if your humanity is not. Get yourself or them help.
#kamrinhubancoaching
